What's on tap for 2020?

As I sit down to start this post, we are in the waning minutes of 2019. I don't know what 2020 will bring, but I am hopeful it will bring some new things and perhaps a new, sustainable career, or at least a job that will help me cover the basic costs of living.

The year 2019 as least led me to a more-or-less full-time job, but it's frankly not covering all my basic costs. I'm behind on several bills and digging a deeper hole all the time. But I hope we will be able to get my dad's estate settled in 2020. It's been a long couple of years since dad died in May 2017, just 9 months after mom died.

I can't believe I haven't covered that on here yet, but then I haven't posted much of anything here in recent years. Not about my parents. Not about my brothers. Not about my daughter. Not about my abrupt career derailment. 

There's a lot to get people, or the blog at least, caught up on.

In recent weeks/months, I've had a few people in my life ask me why I don't write anymore. I have avoided answering that question with friends, and I've avoided asking it of and answering it for myself.

There are many reasons why I haven't ventured in to writing, even here. A significant reason is that my confidence in myself and my "skills" has been shaken by being tossed out of journalism, in spite of a few attempts to get back in. On top of that, I haven't been a reporter/writer in a long time, although I have written throughout a 28-29 year career in journalism. 

I certainly want/need a creative outlet of some sort, whether writing or photography or both, or some new creative pursuit. In my head, I blame lack of funds and equipment for avoiding the photography angle. But the lack of writing? I'm not sure what to blame there, beyond lack of confidence or drive. What if I have nothing to say? My past writing has been either 1) work related and based on interviews and facts based on some news or human interest angle; or 2) journal-like either in the form of writing in a notebook or one of a couple of older blogs; or 3) short social media posts on Twitter or Facebook.

I have no "great American novel" dying to get out locked up inside me. At least I don't think I do, as it has not made itself known to my conscious mind. I have no compelling true-life story I'm dying to tell. And I don't think I have any particular wisdom to share from which I think others may draw inspiration. I just have questions and doubts and fears and foibles and failings spilling out all over my life.

So, I don't know what to write. And outside of creative pursuits, I need a job that challenges me again intellectually and even creatively. But I don't know what that might be, in spite of applying for multiple jobs in multiple fields.

I have got some experience working in food service and retail fields, in untrained fields. I'm kind of living my work-life backwards, working in unskilled areas now in my 50s like many of my (former) peers did in their teens and 20s.

It's an interesting time in life, and not interesting in a good way. I wish I knew how this particular story will end. I would like to get to the next chapter as quickly as possible, instead of slogging through this interminably dull and painful chapter.

Can a former love be a friend? It depends

I posed the following questions the other day on Twitter and Facebook: Is it normal, or abnormal, to have exes as friends on Facebook or following on Twitter? How many exes do you have friending/following?

I wasn't sure if I would get any responses at all, but I got several. I appreciate people willing to share their thoughts on the issue. Here's what I got:

3 people responded on Twitter; 8 commented directly on the Facebook post and 1 sent me a message on Facebook.

Women commented more than men. 3 men replied, compared to 9 women.

Two of the people didn't divulge what they thought was normal behavior. Those comment questioned what the definition of normal was and whether I was normal.

And that's really what I was trying to figure out: Am I normal? There are women among my Facebook friends and Twitter followers than I have had relationships with in the past. Based on the replies I got, that's not uncommon. Six of the the 12 people who replied indicated that still had contact with people who they dated or had relationships with. Two other did not say if they had former lovers among their friends, but they indicated it was "normal" to do so.

Five people included numbers in their replies, which ranged from 1 to 12.

Two women who are both married indicated that their husband is aware of the relationship(s) they had with the person or people who are also Facebook friends.

Two people had pretty strong feelings about the issue and do not maintain contact with people they have dated. I respect those views and I even understand them a little better now than I might have earlier in my life.

One of my exes had similar views when we were together. She kept no photos of people she had dated and had seemingly tossed out all mementos of any kind. The fact that I still had some contact with some people from my past caused stress on our relationship. So, I cut off a lot of ties to my past during that relationship, not just to people I had dated but also to friends and family members. In the end, the relationship died (or was killed) by something else. I found I needed the people in my past to help me move forward and have tried to rebuild ties over the years with one notable exception -- the woman who had been so jealous of my past. It would be difficult to find any signs of her, or our time together, in my life now. I know she is on Facebook, but have made no effort to reach out. She taught me how to do that.

I don't know if I'm normal or not, but I most identify with this comment I received via Twitter: "I think it's a shame not to be friends with people you once loved. I understand it's not always possible."

In there interest of full disclosure, there are people on my friends list on Facebook and/or who follow me or I follow on Twitter who I have dated in the past.

Thanks to all who responded to the question. And thanks to women who have been such an important part of my past who are still part of my life, though in a platonic and far more limited way.

But the biggest thanks should be reserved for the understanding and trusting spouses, lovers and partners who are willing to allow people to maintain some form of contact with the people who have been important in a lifetime. Not everyone can, or wants to do that.

I hope whatever is normal for you and the important people in your life helps you find fulfillment and happiness in your life and relationships.

Waking up from a long slumber

Life had gotten boring. I didn't realize how boring until things turned around. And when it turned, it turned dramatically.

I'm not quite sure where to begin. A big project at work has resulted in long days and long weeks. And it the midst of all that, I almost moved to Portland. Twice.

There are many things about the prospect of becoming a commuter and the living arrangements being considered that were a cause for concern. I didn't know if my old truck could take a 90-mile round trip every day. Plus, I've lived alone for 5 years, and I came very close to becoming the roommate of my two young nieces and their mother in a two bedroom apartment.

It would have been a major lifestyle change. And I have to admit, I was excited about it. Most of my friends who live anywhere close live and work in the greater Portland area.

Unfortunately, the move fell through, not once but twice. But the prospect of the move got me excited again. It got me looking forward to a new life. The project at work, the launch of a new website, though taxing and sometimes frustrating, also revitalized me.

The pace of life accelerated rapidly. I now realized I had not been moving toward or working toward anything in some time. I'd merely been hanging on and trying to get by. That's no way to live.

I don't know yet what that next goal, that next objective is, or even what the next project might be. But I know I need to have something to work toward, to climb for, rather than hanging here trying to maintain a grip on a life that is not all I want and need it to be.

If you need me, why do you treat me so bad?

If the corporate community and federal and state governments are expecting me to help lift the country out of this recession/depression, they are all in for a long wait. If it's consumers like me, in similar circumstances, that will eventually signal a return to financial prosperity, then we are in for a few more years of rough sledding.

It's not that I am opposed to spending money and wouldn't be willing to do my part, but I've got nothing left to give. Every bit of my income out goes every month. I won't be further mortgaging my future with credit cards to stimulate the economy either. The banks have jacked up my interest rates so high and dropped my credit limits so far that there is not enough spare credit available to pay attention.

I am one of the fortunate ones. I still have a job, unlike an estimated 1 in 10 people in the country who are unemployed.

There is certainly stuff on my wish list of purchases to make. I could use a newer, more fuel efficient car, but that's way out of the budget. My daughter starts college in the fall, which strikes terror in my heart and my bank account.

Even more modest things are out of reach or have to be prioritized. My work and weekend wardrobes are getting threadbare. I need new shoes. Those are the type of purchases I used to put on a credit card.

To cope, I've made some lifestyle changes. I used to eat out for virtually every meal, spending about $70 to $90 a week on food. Now I try to eat at home whenever possible, eating as little as one meal a week outside the home. Of course my food budget was pretty modest before, so I'm not eating a lot of premium cuts or name-brand products and I try to not to let any food go to waste. I've also downgraded my cable service (and may still drop cable altogether. I'm also debating a change in cell phone and Internet services to reduce those bills every month and dropping my landline completely. But those will only leave a few more dollars available every month. Other unattractive, but increasingly prudent options include either seeking out a roommate or downsizing to a smaller apartment.

And those are just to get through the next few months or so.

So don't count on me to spend more, Uncle Sam. I am still looking for ways to spend less. I like to think I've learned the lesson of easy credit and getting over extended. I mean, this is what I'm supposed to do, right? Only spend the money I have?

I'm trying. But it's not going to help put my neighbors back to work so their paychecks can eventually come back to help ensure I will still have a job for the foreseeable future.

Maybe some of those banks that were too big should have failed and taken their bank records with them to oblivion. I would be willing to try living without the credit cards. I'm trying to now. But it would sure help to do without the bills too.

Sadly, to the banks, I'm not too big to fail. They seem to be betting on it. But it's a bet they win either way, because they are charging rates so high they have already made back their money, and then some.

Prom night

Tonight is prom night for my daughter and her boyfriend. Here are some pictures of them getting ready for the big night with a little help from my daughter's mom.

Is my work following me home or is my home following me to work?

The lines in my online life are getting blurred. I started a Facebook page for work, in order to create a page for my employer, and ended up finding a lot of friends. So I have a mixture of work colleagues and personal friends in my contacts.

I started a Twitter account, also for work, and tied it to my Facebook account, so my Twitter updates seem to amuse some of my friends because they update people on stories about farm animals and crop reports.

I like more tidiness in my life. More separation between my work life and personal life.

The irony is, once upon a time I used to tell people that what I do is who I am. I hope that's no longer the case. I hope that who I am is more complex and distinct that my merely stating my chosen vocation.

Sometimes work helps the personal life. Sometimes my personal interests inform my professional life. But I'm not sure how comfortable I am in having the lines of my online digital pursuits at home and work overlapping so much. Maybe it's just a sign of the new media environment, but it gets a little creepy.

Congrats to the new parents and parents-to-be

I found out from my friend Karly's blog, that a couple of mutual friends and former colleagues had their first baby today. Congrats to Tom and Kara and their new baby girl, Lexi. There are photos on Tom and Kara's blog.

I worked with Jose and Karly and Tom and Kara in Palm Springs. They are among about a billion former colleagues who seem to be expecting lately. Fortunately, I can stay caught up with them through blogs or Facebook, even though we've now scattered all over the country.

It's sort of weird to have so many friends who are starting their young families and having kids because my daughter is getting ready to graduate from high school this year. It doesn't seem that long ago that we were all colleagues, friends and fellow singles. Up until recently I thought maybe someday I would marry and get a chance to be a traditional dad. The marriage part hasn't happened for me yet, but I haven't given up hope. However, I now am thinking that maybe being a parent again won't be in the cards. And I am growing more comfortable with that. I certainly don't feel old, but I am not sure I would have the energy I would want to have to be the parent of a newborn. I do enjoy getting to be Uncle Gary. Small kids are a joy. I think a great part of my interest in them comes from only spending time with my daughter in very small doses quite far apart when she was small. Perhaps it's trying to recapture part of her youth.

I am envious of my friends who are starting their young families. You are in for a great deal of joy, happiness and pride. There is no love like it. Tom's got that figured out already, as evidence by his post in which he describes his beautiful newborn daughter. Tom writes: "As I typed beautiful my eyes teared up. For the first time in my life, I truly understand what beautiful is."

Yea, Tom, you've got it bad. Just wait until you are sitting there watching some sappy commercial on TV that reminds you of your child and you choke up, your eyes fill up with tears. God forbid it's when the guys are all over watching football or something. It's OK, dude. The other dads will understand. They'll flip you no end of crap, but they are just doing that to keep from tearing up themselves.

The date: A retrospective

So the big date came and went and since I blabbed about it on here, it seems only right that I provide some sort of recap of the evening.

The evening had all the ingredients for disaster, or at least a coronary episode on my part. What I neglected to mention in my first date post was that the meeting was arranged by my boss and my boss and his date were attending the same event I was, as were several other coworkers. It was sort of like dating in a fish bowl with several sets of noses pressed against the glass.

I should have, by all rights, been a nervous wreck.

Surprising, at least to myself, I was calm, completely at ease with myself and the circumstances. I had a great time. My companion was attractive, charming and funny. She has a candid way of speaking that I find comforting and refreshing. Perhaps my admiration of that trait is due to too many years spent learning to bite my tongue for fear of offending someone or embarrassing myself, which tends to result in thoughts and emotions building up until a blurt things out in a stream of consciousness that shocks others. Better to dole out colorful language and blunt observations in small doses I think, but it's not a skill I've mastered.

To make a long story as short as possible I will say that the evening went quickly. My date had other plans for the latter part of the evening, so after a few hours of conversation, dinner and laughter the evening ended. I'm glad I went and surprised myself to find that stepping outside my comfort zones proved to be remarkably comfortable.

Perhaps that's not as exciting as a stereotypical first date filled with anxiety and anticipation, passion and uncertainty. Maybe that type is more fun. But all things considered, I thought it was about perfect. I'm not sure it would be the best of circumstances to be head-over-heels and looking for love on the first date after a long dateless spell. Looking for a friend was much preferable. Only time will tell whether I found a potential friend, or merely had a nice evening with an engaging, intelligent and interesting woman. One can't have enough interesting experiences either.

It's a date, isn't it?

I have a date. I think. Sort of.

Although, truth be told, I'm not sure I really know what a date is. I've never been much of a dater. So I may need clarification from more advanced and experienced daters out there.

For me, the biggest dating issue has always been asking someone out for a first date. It's a two-pronged problem. I tend to be shy around women and suffer from a paralyzing fear of rejection. For some reason it's hard to get a date if you can't bring yourself to ask a woman out on a date.

So, in order to work up the nerve to ask a woman out, I had to be pretty head-over-heels for her and know her well enough to be pretty confident her reaction to being asked out would not be laughter, spitting or stunned silence. Of course, it helps to have a friend who could do some recon work and find out if a girl likes you, but that doesn't go over so big after junior high.

I have almost always gone into a first date knowing I wanted a second one. Knowing I want a relationship. Knowing I had a crush on her.

There have been some exceptions, but I always felt uncomfortable and awkward, which didn't make for the most enjoyable outing. Of course that didn't lead to many second dates either.

I know that dating, at least in theory, is a way that people get to know one another to find out if they want to date more. I understand the theory. I've just never been able to put the theory into practice.

So, that's why I don't know if my date Saturday is a date. It's a fix-up situation. A blind date. And there is no expectation for a second date. Perhaps that's what's kept me from freaking out so far and actually has me looking forward to it. In order to get back into (or, perhaps more accurately, get into for the first time ever) the dating scene, it seems important to get that first date in a long time out of the way.

So, I've got a date. And I'm completely comfortable and at ease with the whole thing.

Oops, got to run. my nose just started bleeding. That usually only happens when I've got a cold, or when the weather changes or I'm stressed out about something. I wonder what brought this one on?

Must be the onset of fall weather.

Online social life is booked solid

Holy cow, I haven't posted here in ages, and to make my online live just a little crazier, I've added LinkedIn and Facebook account. How will I ever keep up?

I held out as long as I could. I avoided LinkedIn and Facebook (and before that MySpace) well past the point where they were hip. But too many people I know are on those services. And I'm glad I've signed up, because at least it makes it possible to see (even if it's only in photos) a lot of friends I don't get to see often enough, especially some friends from my days in Southern California. Life just moves on, and I don't get to see the people who have been, and remain, important as often as I would like -- as often as I should.

So, it's been nice getting back in touch with some friends and former colleagues. But, I'm not sure I can handle the pressure to provide updates, upload photos, send do-hickeys and whatchamacallits to people.

If I had as many active social contacts in my offline world as I do in the cyber realm, I'd never be home.

Reliving the gory, glory days

This upcoming weekend, the Fourth of July weekend, is one I've been looking forward to for a long time. Now, for some unexplained reason, I find myself having mixed emotions about it.

I've been looking forward to it for months now because there is a reunion in my old hometown and I'm hoping to see a lot of old friends from school, many of whom I probably haven't seen in 20 years or more.

Our school was quite small, so we can't really have traditional high school reunions, where a particular class gathers at those various milestone years -- 5, 10, 20, 25 years, etc. If we did that for my class, there would only be 17 of us there, and spouses perhaps, and that's if everyone showed up, and if I'm rightly remembering the number of people in my class. Obviously, everyone would not show up. So, every so often a school/community reunion is scheduled where everyone from any year, or who has ever just lived in the community can show up. So, that might improve the odds that more than 17 people will be there, but it also means that people far younger, or older, than I and whom I don't even know will be there. It's not just classmates, or even immediate year schoolmates.

I already know at least one of my classmates, and the guy who was my best friend from second grade through college, won't be there. He has a family event to attend for the holiday weekend.

Maybe part of the reason I'm having mixed feelings is because I'm skipping out on a family event myself to attend this school/community reunion. But this is only the second school reunion like this I've heard about since I graduated. The only other one I knew about occurred when I was living in California and the time off just wasn't in the cards, or something. I don't really remember when it was or why I didn't go, but I didn't.

I am excited to see at least one person who I know is expected to attend. One of my old running buddies who now lives in Germany is bringing his wife and kids home to visit his family and they scheduled their visit to coincide with the reunion.

The friend in question was a few years ahead of me in school, and had a bit of a wild boy reputation. Why he ever let me hang out with him, I'll never know. But we had a good time pursuing, if never quite capturing the elusive females of the species on warm summer days and nights in a beat up Chevy Vega, or whatever vehicle I could manage to borrow from my folks.

In fact I even served as best man at his first wedding, a casual backyard affair. I had no clue what a best man was supposed to do, and in hindsight I was a lousy one, but I stood up with my friend and witnesses the momentous occasion, all the while fawning over his then-new bride's younger sister.

My ol' buddy and I got reacquainted not so long ago over the Internet. In fact he was the one who told me about the reunion. Obviously he's got better connections around the old homestead than I do. Given the time difference, we often catch up with each other just as he is starting his work day and I'm thinking I should head off to bed.

Getting a chance to get caught up should be worth the trip. And who knows, maybe there will be some still single, or single again, women there too. And I can get absolutely nowhere again with the girls-turned-women of my old hometown.

Sometimes I get quite nostalgic for home, that home of my youth, and the people I spent it with. But I don't miss the boy I was, perpetually shy and terrified of members of the opposite sex. The boy who was unsure of himself and his place in the world. That boy is, for the most part, gone. But his ghosts haunts the present day from time to time, like when I'm confronted with a new situation, or meeting new people in a purely social context. It's those times I wish I had my old running buddy or my old best friend to lead the way with their outgoing, seemingly unflappable natures. Their confidence, bordering on arrogance, was something I've never perfected, except sometimes in the working world. Sometimes, when I know I need to take a leap, not like the one at the swimming hole along the Umatilla River of my teens, I need someone to leap first to show me the water is deep enough. And sometimes I need someone to give me a little nudge to leave the relative security of solid ground to step out into thin air and feel the rush.

Squeezing in a nervous breakdown

I'm freaking out! Can the panic attack be far behind?

OK, perhaps I am exaggerating, but I'm definitely feeling a higher level of anxiety than I have grown accustomed to experiencing.

For people who have known me for most of a adult and professional life, this would wound a bit odd. I used to be one of those Type A folks. Long hours, long days, always pressing. That was my story.

It worked pretty well in California.

But for the last three years, I've been living life at a slower pace at work and at home. I got pretty good at saying no to optional obligations, personally and professionally.

But the pace has picked up lately. I've got stuff going on. And I'm not used to it. I have recently started keeping a calendar again. When I started doing it, it seemed like a bit of a joke, since most of the days were blank. A lot of them still are, but having some filled-in dates, and some travel plans on top of it, has got me a bit nervous.

If my old friends could only see me now. I used to be busy being busy. Now, I've been busy being a bum. It's damn tough to go back again.